Creating Relationships That Work

We all have a higher self, an ideal self, where we hold our self to our higher intentions. When we feel we are living up to our intentions and ideals, we feel deeply gratified.  What happens when you find yourself seeing another’s flaws and problems?

What is better for your relationship, to be realistic and point out the flaws so that the problem can be corrected, or to honor the strengths, even when it seems to be an “illusion?” 

What would you do?

Actually, illusions work, because they help you to honor the best in others, forgive minor transgressions, and elevate shortcomings into strengths. Individuals who see the virtues in themselves and others have more stable relationships.  That way you can be realistic by having faith in the potential of yourself and others.

What happens if an incompatibility is too much? Then you can choose to decide it won’t work for you.  Either way, it leaves you with a positive outlook.

Have Happy Thanksgiving.

Dr. Alice

In the last blog, we learned how capitalizing on the positive of others builds relationships.  But what about being a good receiver? What do you do if someone gives you a compliment? Do you graciously accept it, saying “Thank you,” or do you humbly point out your human side? Suppose you just gave a speech and the audience gave you a STANDING OVATION. Could you handle it? Or, would you say to yourself, “They must be blind. I was a nervous wreck.”

If you can handle it, you are helping to build relationships. You are acknowledging another’s good will to help you to be your best. You are playing a win-win game, acknowledging the best of yourself and others. Focusing on only your imperfections lowers energy.

A broader developmental perspective helps to see the significance of positive and negative emotions. Positive emotions broaden and build, facilitating an upward spiral of growth.  When we are positive, our attention broadens and we are willing to explore. We become more tolerant, creative, and look for solutions that benefit everyone. We are more willing to share resources, and are more likely to collaborate. Health and well-being are enhanced. Positive emotions signal a win-win game. Anyone can acknowledge the positive, you just need to know the game.

It is like playing ball.  When you acknowledge your teammate’s  excitement,  it is like throwing a ball to an enthusiastic player. You are building the energy for your teammates to do their best.  In the same way, when someone gives you a positive compliment, and you receive it well, it is like catching a ball.  It also builds the winning spirit.  If you fumble, no problem, just get together with your teammates, couch the negative in the positive and use it to grow. If you are not ready to be active on the field, that is OK too. You can take time to get ready or be a supporter for others.
Just be willing to acknowledge there is a bigger game.

Would you like your relationships to be harmonious, and stay out those moments of unhappiness and conflict?

Often, individuals, couples and families come for help because their relationships are causing them unhappiness. They want their relationships to improve by removing what they consider unfortunate and undesirable traits in their mates or family members.

Shelly Gable, an assistant professor of psychology at UCLA, has taken a very different approach. She looks at what makes relationships great. Instead of looking at problems, she studied how people respond to good events.

How do you respond to the good events that happen to your mate, family members, and friends? Can you react enthusiastically to their good fortune? How you respond can uplift the mood or lower it.

Shelly Gables investigated “Capitalizing on the Positive” in her work with couples. She looked at four different kinds of responses given by partners to their mate’s good fortune.

The partners either responded by:

1) Reacting enthusiastically, listening with great interest, and asking for details in order to prolong the good feeling. They often anticipated even better things to come (Active/ Constructive).

2) Being happy for the good news, but saying little to convey that happiness, (Passive/constructive).

3) Focusing on potential problems as opposed to focusing on the joy, i.e. “Remember, You are going to have to pay taxes on your aise” (Active/Destructive).

4) Failing to express any interest about the good event, giving the impression that you don’t care, and sometimes changing the subject completely (Passive/destructive).

Gable found that couples who reported enthusiastic, active/constructive responses from their mates were actually more in love, more committed, and had more marital

satisfaction and believed in their relationships longevity. The remaining responses, (2,3,4) had little positive effect.

Without a doubt, capitalizing on the positive is a major key to building strong, healthy relationships. Try it out and see what happens this week.

You can read more details about the studies here: “Love and Positive Events” at
www.authentichappiness.sas.upenn.edu/newsletter.aspx?id=48

At end of life, will you have what you wanted? Or, will you have all the reasons why didn’t get what you wanted?

Imagine yourself driving on a road to an important meeting. “Bang,” you run over a pothole and the tire blows out. Will you kick the tire, stub your toe, have a fuss, complain and cry about the poor roads?    Or, will you take out your tools, change the tire, and get to your destination five minutes late, hands dirty, but mission accomplished?

The difference between the two stories is… Read the whole story